Romantic Friends

I’ve discovered a truth about myself. I don’t have many people that I would call close friends and I’ll tell you why. Most the time the friends I end up making end up being women. This can be a problem because sooner or later I somehow end up being romantically involved with one of the girls in a circle of friends. I don’t mean to do these things intentionally, or maybe I do and I just don’t recognize it. But the outcome almost always seems to come out the same.

I used to think that drama used to gravitate towards me, but I’m pretty sure that I end up creating a lot of that drama myself. Right now I’m in a situation that I didn’t know I had created which fits the prior criteria. All that comes to me is fear and pain. I don’t want to lose my new found friends.

So easily bruised are my feelings. I take everything way too personal. I tend to bludgeon myself into thinking that all problems originate from my own actions. But that’s only half right.

Will the inadequacies never cease? Will I feel that I am destined to be alone and must learn how to be content by myself? No one really likes to be alone. At least that’s what I believe.

Anxiety grows, breeds doubt into my bosom. Desire grows. Not desire for conquest or power or recognition, but for a hole, a hiding place, a safe haven. I want to experience life and the world, but such comes not without pain… I still remain soft and vunerable. I strive to ignore the pain and strive for my ideal face: happiness, kindness, genuine care, light heartedness.

I wish I knew all right choices that must be made… if this be so no one would learn.

Why must scar after scar be newly created or made fresh again and again? Why can’t I go throughout my existence without my offending, annoying, or hurting anyone? I always mean well. I always want the best for those around me. Why must I fail?

I have had an escape for so long that I don’t know how to deal with mistakes or problems. All I used to do was ignore it and hope for the best. Usually in these cases things would begin to fester in my soul and make me into something that I do not wish to be.

How can a person bear such things? I know that there are people who do every day, but is it from experience, or is it a trait one is born with? Is it learned or only an unavailable item to those who feel too weak?

All of these things burns in my chest like a white hot blade in my sternum.

Where can I turn for peace?

Dreams

I've had to learn that trying to become who I want to be I have to be willing to try in the face of uncertainty... the uncertainty of success. Fear can slow anyone down in this desire to achieve dreams.

To quote an Eagles song, “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key.” Sometimes it’s not others that keep us down and away from accomplishing our fantasies.

I dated a girl once that choose to become a nurse because she had taken some health classes in high school. And from what I understood was that she didn’t even like it that much. She secretly had the desire to be an archeologist, but she had been dissuaded because of the danger in foreign countries in which she wished to work and that she didn’t want to “waste” the time that she had already put into learning and studying in her advanced health classes. But what was she really losing?

So many dreams, opportunities, and desires have passed me by for so long because I couldn’t afford it or I couldn’t make time for it. But now I truly believe that I am struggling to achieve things that I never had before. I’m saving money, currently, to go sing with the college concert choir in Italy. Can you believe it? Italy! The farthest I’ve been out of the country is Mexico and the farthest East I’ve ever been was Pennsylvania, but I was on a truck route with my father so I never counted that. But the fact of the matter is that I’m striving to achieve something that I want.

I almost started studying to be an engineer (electrical, mechanical, or civil I was never sure) which I would have hated even if I was good at it. My reasoning at the time was that I could make money to support a family and then some. Dreams now consist of becoming a teacher and touching people’s lives by the instruction and care that I could give them. And maybe having my own business when I retire as a hobby or maybe even before that to support my teaching hobby. :)

Either way, I will not settle for something that is “good enough”. I think that this desire was instilled in me by my father, not necessarily about career but at the time it was about finding a wife. My parents are divorced and I remember how my dad explained his theory. My father fought for my mother’s love, but she settled on him instead of fighting in return. I don’t want my future wife to settle for me and I don’t want to settle for her. I don’t want us to settle for the way that we live, how we raise kids, what we do on vacations, what we do for a living, or what we do to be happy. I don’t want us to simply get by, but I want us to struggle to achieve a dream. Because having my own home and family is a dream of mine.

Somehow I have gained hope. Pain still permeates my soul from the experience of trying to make a relationship work with someone. The most difficult thing that I learned was that physicality is nothing to build a relationship on. What will you do when the desire for sex and similar contact have all but gone? I may be a silly romantic, but I would like to find somebody that I can picture myself growing old with. I want to be one of those cute old couple that people look at and say, “how cute” or “they are still in love.” Such thing is also a dream of mine.

My romanticism always seems to draw itself out especially when I free write or journal write. It’s always been a part of me. I remember my older sister saying to me, “you’ve been a romantic as long as I have known you.” This, of course, made me laugh, mostly because it’s true. When I was little in the age of deciding between being a cowboy, a cop, or a firefighter I remember saying that I wanted to go on a mission for my church, go to college, and get married. Little did I know, there are so many things involved in achieving these things especially since now I know what I want to do in college.

Even though I feel so good about what I’m doing and what I’m working to achieve, I still feel alone despite the support from family and friends. It might be the fact that I feel that there are some things that I have to do on my own to make things work. Sure friends can help or encourage but I still have to take the initiative. But still that doesn’t feel quite right. As much as I’d hate to admit it, I want somebody by my side to support me in my dreams and I hers. I want somebody that I can share my dreams with and she’ll want to share hers with me. And it won’t be like we’ll just keep them in a drawer to look at every once in a while, but we will work to achieve them. Some things can be on a small scale like creating the house that we want to have even if we have to build it or remodel it one room at a time.

There is some satisfaction in saying that “this is mine” or “I did this,” like owning a house or a car. But monetary things don’t really matter so much to me as the experiences I will have and the very special one that I will share it with.

Be Genuine and Care

So I learned something this week. It has to do a lot with my belief in God and how that relationship effects how I interact with others. Now even though there may be some that read this that may not share my exact beliefs or even in God in general, there is a truth that is undeniable in how we relate with others.

The first thing is that pride can destroy healthy interaction with others. Now when I say pride it’s not like being proud of an accomplishment or proud of someone, but it’s when someone believes themselves to be better than others in any way shape or form. Usually people who think they are better never seem to have true friends or have difficulty finding friends at all. But I know that focusing on this isn’t what I intend, but neither do I want to ignore such an important point.

The idea that has given me the most peace and success in life is genuinely caring for everyone at least in the respect that they are someone.

Everyone has differing opinions about the people around them and even about themselves, but finding something inside of every person that you can be a lot easier than you think. And this is where my belief in God comes in.

Because I believe in God I understand that we are all God’s children. There is a love for mankind that emerges from this point of view. I also have the gift to see what people are capable of achieving. That’s also why I want to be a teacher.

In my opinion and beliefs, people are generally good. The reason I believe this is because most people you would find already have a basic idea of what is good and what is bad. Now, people who don’t always do good things aren’t bad people. Granted there are some exceptions like murderers, rapists, sociopaths or, generally speaking, those who don’t care about other people and do what they want.

I’m not perfect in describing all of the reasons that I believe this, but this I do know: when I genuinely care about people, in what they have to say, in what they do, what they endure or what they accomplish, I can feel the appreciation that comes from them because they knew that I meant it. That’s when my job becomes a little more manageable. Being in customer service and usually people just come and go and don’t really care about having a conversation or being helped. That’s all fine and dandy, but the memorable moments are the ones when someone thank you and means it.

I hope one day we could all see the good in people, being a Christian I believe it will one day happen.

All we have to do is: be genuine and care.

Loneliness

Loneliness. Sometimes I just don’t understand it. There are times that I want to be alone, but then when I’m alone I get lonely… Is this just a part of the human condition or am I just crazy?

The hole inside of me grows little by little. Most of the time I forget that it’s there because I just keep myself busy ignoring what’s inside. I’m mostly bitter about the fact that it’s there.

Why should I have the desire to have someone, be someone, or be accepted by someone? Can’t I live out my life on my own for a while?

Even though I say that now I believe that God knew that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, so he created woman; a companion, a helpmeet.

But even so when I think about getting close to someone, I still feel like a fire-breather that was burned and is trying to pick up the torch again before the blisters even heal. I’m very badly burned….. and the funny thing is that it wasn’t even her fault. It was mine. I delved too deeply and I believed that as long as I was willing to overcome any problems we had, we could stay together. But it wasn’t right.

My heart aches to be the person that I want to be. I’m imperfect and I make mistakes plus I’m not even close to the person that I want to be. I know that the woman of my dreams, as cliché as that sounds, will come into my life when I finally become my true self.

Life is such a wonderful thing though. There are so many things that I love and that I excel at. But lately all that these things have been doing for me is making me prideful…

I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more timid than I used to be. I know that I can make friends easily enough, but still I’m an observer. I like to watch and listen to how people act and react so it’s easier for me to become their friend. Sometimes it doesn’t take hardly any time to discern that, but most times, at least recently, it’s been a little more difficult.

I think my challenge is to find out what people like to talk about. I believe that if you get somebody on a subject that they’re truly passionate about you find their true colors. They speak openly about it because they feel so strong and comfortable with it, then after discovering that a friendship can build.

The one thing that I notice is that there are some friendships that happen only because it is convenient; the friend who acknowledges you only at class or at work or for help with something for those places. Sometimes it’s a good thing though. It’s not like I hang out with all of the people that I consider friends. But what I’m talking about is the person that forgets you or doesn’t even acknowledge you after the class is over for the semester or after they work somewhere else. This is otherwise known as the, “I have to be around this person so I might as well make the best of it” friend (I wish I could have thought of a shorter way to say that).

The most interesting thing to me is that this is more common. I have yet to find a true close friend. Let me rephrase that, I haven’t found a life long friend yet. I’m guilty of being one of those associate friends mostly because I suck at keeping in touch, but I want to be the life long friend.

With the addition of at least one life long friend, and also tying back to one of my earlier subjects, I expect my wife to be my best friend. The only problem is that I’m not sure how to go about doing that. And on top of that I need to wait for my burns to heal. I’m impatient though, so like anyone else I’m happy to ignore my pain to try and find bliss even if I know darn well that it’ll come back sooner or later.

I’ve heard that you can understand what someone’s deepest desires are when they don’t have any pressures of life or deadlines or anything that has to occupy their mind. Basically when they don’t have to think about anything it’s the first thing that pops into their head…. For me, I just want to be in love. Not to be afraid of it, but embrace it. Right now is not the time thought so I’ll create some good friendships along the way, but as soon as I heal I’m pretty sure I won’t stay single for long. I’m way too much of a romantic.

Anyways, loneliness. It cannot be avoided. Even when I get what I want I’m sure that I’ll feel lonely sometimes. I’m sure the same could be said for anybody else. But I strive and I try to heal. The one thing I will say is that it takes too long.

That's the Dream

I started getting ideas for this blog a few days ago but I’m pretty sure that it’s going in a different direction… Let’s see where it goes.

It’s almost 2:30 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I just got an adrenaline rush from being pulled over because turn signals don’t work. Luckily the cop gave me a break and no ticket. That’s the second time in the past 4 weeks that I got pulled over for something small, but then again cops do get bored up here. But this isn’t what I wanted to talk about.

The initial idea came from what I believe my purpose in life is, what I mean to be, what I want and long to do which is then followed by things that aren’t really set in stone on my life goal list.

While doing some homework I also had the opportunity to help some other friends with some stuff that they were working on. And while I was helping one friend with Spanish I noticed that she had one of those “a-ha!” moments and it just made me smile. She told me “you’ve been very helpful tonight Reuben, are you sure I can’t help you with anything?” and without even think I said, “I’m a teacher, that’s what I do.”

I feel that I am truly addicted to being a teacher. Not necessarily on any subject (although I am studying to become a music teacher) because I just LOVE seeing that spark that people get when the understand something. Whatever metaphor that’s used for it: putting glasses on, turning on the light bulb, the “a-ha,” or a stroke of genius I just love it all.

It’s almost like understanding many ways to figure out a puzzle and each new mind is the template that it has to fit. The puzzle is familiar, but the conditions are not. In the end weather it takes a longer or shorter time the idea is to complete the puzzle or idea. I may not be that good at regular puzzles but I love projects and I love people.

Which I guess brings me back to the point of me not getting a ticket at either of the times that I got pulled over. I was being honest with them, no bull, and no anger, already had out my info for them, honestly acknowledging my problem and connecting with the officer as a person and not as a machine that writes tickets.

The correlation that I see between these two things is stereotypes of certain teachers. Now I don’t have any kind of teacher in mind for these first examples, but I may use some later on.

The first is the information download teacher, the one who may be burned out or tired of teaching or may even be one of those people that likes to either be right or in charge or in another case employs military like discipline. Now discipline isn’t always bad but that’s not the point that I want to make. This teacher simply sees teaching as a passing along of information, not really engaging with the students or caring about one thing or another. And I bet that just about anyone has had at least on teacher like that.

The teacher example that I want to be like is the one that has respect from the students because he respects and cares for them at the very least on a professional level if not as a friend. Now I do know that I can’t please everybody. No teacher should let their career go sour just because they had that one student that wouldn’t budge, try, or participate. By all means that doesn’t give this good teacher the right to give up. There is heartbreak in this teachers mind because they can see. Good teachers seem to have the gift of seeing what people’s true potential really is and the best teachers require that standard from them. Not unrealistically, of course, but in a way that brings out the best in them. Good teachers are the silent builders of our society. They never get the fame for all the work that they have done, they never see all the praise that they disserve for striving many ours with their students sometimes one on one, they never really ask for anything but honest work because they know. Teachers hear stuff about their students, they really do remember those that have come through their classes, weather they were trouble makers, hard workers, coasters, partiers, social butterflies or anything else. But at any rate they have those memories.

The treasure that a good teacher has is the box of “a-has” or light bulbs that are usually kept in a small corner. Every once in a while after a long day or during a time of great reflection they have to pull it out and peruse or add anew their collection. There are many tears and joys in this box, but it never fails to inspire them.

Me being the artistic person that I am I tend to feel a little bit more than is normal I think. I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeves. And for a while, because of some recent pains and laments (that you could probably deduce from my former blog), I forgot why I wanted to teach. I guess that the fact that I got seared from a past relationship distracted me from remembering my teaching box.

Fear. Fear of having something that I love or even to love. Is it worth it? The idea can be very dangerous, but it can be so fulfilling all at once.

The only other idea that I hold in my heart just as strongly as teaching is becoming a father. I want to learn grow and strive with my children because they will be the closest students that I’ll ever have and it will be ok for me to love them.

Random thought: because I will be a teacher, it might be best for me to teach in a different district than the ones that my children attend don’t you think? I don’t ever want to be a by-ist teacher just because this or these particular students happen to be my children and I don’t want to be too hard on them either. I would probably end up being the latter rather than the former, but anyways back to my prior point.

I don’t entirely understand the feeling that I have about being a father, but it’s such a burning desire that I have in me that the idea practically makes me feel giddy! I tend to thrive on the idea that someone depends on me, that’s just my personality.

But the fear comes back when I think about the step that has to antecede my being a father: finding my wife the future mother of my children.

I’ve realized that I have to go out on a limb and experiment on compatibility. I do think a little too romantically at times and I definitely do not know how to go slow in a relationship, but I would like to learn how. But still the fear.

In spite of the fear I try to find courage in the thought that if she’s not the right one I will have learned something or to put it in better words, “the wrong one is the right one to lead you to the best one” –John Bytheway.

I understand that no aspect of life is going to be free of pain, but I still don’t fully grasp it the same way that I grasp on the other truths that I have internalized. And I guess I’m like that because I haven’t experienced it all yet.

I guess the question is where would the world be if nobody took any risks? Defiantly not where we are now! I fact we might as well be extinct if we hadn’t taken risks! But it still hurts.

I guess the only thing I can do is fight, fight for those moments that I love no matter how few and far in between they are. I must fight for the things that I believe in weather I truly believe in them or not and if I am unsure the fire of experience will tempure truth and destroy fantasy. Do I wish to step into the flames alone? No. I beg God to accompany. Whatever I choose, if I remember that I can have hope.

Anyways, I don’t wish to preach religion with this blog, I wish to inspire people to feel truth in any form. If religion is part of you, cling to it and tempure if you really believe truth will be revealed to you in one form or another.

I believe that truth is the only constant that the world has, but the only problem is that no matter who you are we all perceive this truth in a different way. Perception and opinion creates the very people and personality of a person, not that these are the only factors. But there are times that this truth can turn people away from each other and sometimes against each other. Most of it comes about because of misunderstanding in my opinion.

As a teacher I want to inspire my students to foster the idea that they can think and achieve anything that they want to, but the catch is that they have to understand how these things work by creating a successful ethic for life. Now there is more than one way to achieve the same thing and that’s where the puzzle solving comes in. they must be willing to achieve and to learn, then the universe will open to them and they can choose their path. Achievement. That is what I want to foster.

 And as I forget about myself I feel like I can say that I’ve contributed to changing the world into the ideal place that good people wish it to be.

That is the dream.

My Lament: The True One

Pain. It penetrates my soul. Because I let myself trust, I let myself love but now it’s gone leaving me empty and burned. I felt like I belonged that I had purpose not just lust or self indulgence but the real stuff.

Why am I cursed to be the man of a real life romance? I wish to be that dashing man in movies that always ends up with the girl even if he’s stupid and can’t see her or thinks he doesn’t deserve her. Do I have to believe that fairy tales don’t exist?

I am a man that needs to love. But can I find someone that wants to define it with me? I can’t do it alone. But I still have this pain in me that won’t let me be all I can for that person. So I only watch and look for that woman I long for. But will I ever find her? Someday I doubt, but others days I swear that I’m close.

So when I meet a woman, a woman not a girl, that I feel that I could love I shy away, but why? Because I hurt. The cuts are too deep and still haven’t scared over. Who am I to give a woman half a man? But how can I rekindle hope?

Maybe one day she’ll walk into my life or maybe the other way around. Maybe one day o won’t have the fear that still resides in my heart even now. Maybe one day I will learn how to woo her, love her and devote myself only to her. Is that too much to ask?

Love is unknown. Who can you trust? Who can I let in? I yearn for the ups, the downs, the fights, the make ups, the passion, the support, the laughing, the crying, the cuddling, the talking, the experimenting, and the loving that can all be summed up in my greatest desire: devotion.

But where is the balance? Who am I to ask a woman to teach me? How can I learn but from experience? But who wants that? I don’t think any woman wants a man that is too emotional or needy or pathetically dependant on love. Maybe in some ways it’s becoming but I refuse to believe it entirely.

When God said that it was not good for man to be alone I think I can understand why. Where is motivation? Where is ambition? Where is achievement when all we would truly think about would be ourselves?

I think a truth that I harbor is that I’m afraid to search for that woman that would be the ying to my yang because I don’t feel complete by myself quite yet. I’m not who I want to be just yet. But would finding her help me figure that out? I honestly don’t know. This in itself can be a conundrum.

Hope. Very, very slight it is in my vision, but still it exists in the depths of my soul. Despite the darkness and secrets that lie there I believe that I can move on and redefine myself. But would the woman I look for forgive my past?

I am imperfect, but I strive for something greater. An ideal.

Even though I am not alone in this ideal I can’t help feeling that I am. Is it wrong to long for companionship? For the love and support of another who would be closer than anybody else in the world? I do not wish to offend but there are few that I tell everything to and sometimes not even my own family knows of my thoughts, my struggles, my desires, my dreams, or my wishes. I don’t think I’ve found somebody that I can do that with yet.

Heal. It seems almost unachievable at this point, but can be synonymous with hope. In the meanwhile I feel like I must let suitors pass me by, those wonderful, beautiful, talented, smart ones that I pine for. I wish she knew and I wish I wasn’t afraid and I wish I knew how to win her, but the timing is all wrong. By the time that I heal she may be gone. But am I just curious because I sometimes feel she is out of my reach?

I have felt this way before, but no one was willing to define love with me, no one truly wanted my devotion. Yet I am still young…. I will dream another night and see if I can find her face in the crowd: the true one.