Loneliness

Loneliness. Sometimes I just don’t understand it. There are times that I want to be alone, but then when I’m alone I get lonely… Is this just a part of the human condition or am I just crazy?

The hole inside of me grows little by little. Most of the time I forget that it’s there because I just keep myself busy ignoring what’s inside. I’m mostly bitter about the fact that it’s there.

Why should I have the desire to have someone, be someone, or be accepted by someone? Can’t I live out my life on my own for a while?

Even though I say that now I believe that God knew that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, so he created woman; a companion, a helpmeet.

But even so when I think about getting close to someone, I still feel like a fire-breather that was burned and is trying to pick up the torch again before the blisters even heal. I’m very badly burned….. and the funny thing is that it wasn’t even her fault. It was mine. I delved too deeply and I believed that as long as I was willing to overcome any problems we had, we could stay together. But it wasn’t right.

My heart aches to be the person that I want to be. I’m imperfect and I make mistakes plus I’m not even close to the person that I want to be. I know that the woman of my dreams, as cliché as that sounds, will come into my life when I finally become my true self.

Life is such a wonderful thing though. There are so many things that I love and that I excel at. But lately all that these things have been doing for me is making me prideful…

I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more timid than I used to be. I know that I can make friends easily enough, but still I’m an observer. I like to watch and listen to how people act and react so it’s easier for me to become their friend. Sometimes it doesn’t take hardly any time to discern that, but most times, at least recently, it’s been a little more difficult.

I think my challenge is to find out what people like to talk about. I believe that if you get somebody on a subject that they’re truly passionate about you find their true colors. They speak openly about it because they feel so strong and comfortable with it, then after discovering that a friendship can build.

The one thing that I notice is that there are some friendships that happen only because it is convenient; the friend who acknowledges you only at class or at work or for help with something for those places. Sometimes it’s a good thing though. It’s not like I hang out with all of the people that I consider friends. But what I’m talking about is the person that forgets you or doesn’t even acknowledge you after the class is over for the semester or after they work somewhere else. This is otherwise known as the, “I have to be around this person so I might as well make the best of it” friend (I wish I could have thought of a shorter way to say that).

The most interesting thing to me is that this is more common. I have yet to find a true close friend. Let me rephrase that, I haven’t found a life long friend yet. I’m guilty of being one of those associate friends mostly because I suck at keeping in touch, but I want to be the life long friend.

With the addition of at least one life long friend, and also tying back to one of my earlier subjects, I expect my wife to be my best friend. The only problem is that I’m not sure how to go about doing that. And on top of that I need to wait for my burns to heal. I’m impatient though, so like anyone else I’m happy to ignore my pain to try and find bliss even if I know darn well that it’ll come back sooner or later.

I’ve heard that you can understand what someone’s deepest desires are when they don’t have any pressures of life or deadlines or anything that has to occupy their mind. Basically when they don’t have to think about anything it’s the first thing that pops into their head…. For me, I just want to be in love. Not to be afraid of it, but embrace it. Right now is not the time thought so I’ll create some good friendships along the way, but as soon as I heal I’m pretty sure I won’t stay single for long. I’m way too much of a romantic.

Anyways, loneliness. It cannot be avoided. Even when I get what I want I’m sure that I’ll feel lonely sometimes. I’m sure the same could be said for anybody else. But I strive and I try to heal. The one thing I will say is that it takes too long.