Pain. It penetrates my soul. Because I let myself trust, I let myself love but now it’s gone leaving me empty and burned. I felt like I belonged that I had purpose not just lust or self indulgence but the real stuff.
Why am I cursed to be the man of a real life romance? I wish to be that dashing man in movies that always ends up with the girl even if he’s stupid and can’t see her or thinks he doesn’t deserve her. Do I have to believe that fairy tales don’t exist?
I am a man that needs to love. But can I find someone that wants to define it with me? I can’t do it alone. But I still have this pain in me that won’t let me be all I can for that person. So I only watch and look for that woman I long for. But will I ever find her? Someday I doubt, but others days I swear that I’m close.
So when I meet a woman, a woman not a girl, that I feel that I could love I shy away, but why? Because I hurt. The cuts are too deep and still haven’t scared over. Who am I to give a woman half a man? But how can I rekindle hope?
Maybe one day she’ll walk into my life or maybe the other way around. Maybe one day o won’t have the fear that still resides in my heart even now. Maybe one day I will learn how to woo her, love her and devote myself only to her. Is that too much to ask?
Love is unknown. Who can you trust? Who can I let in? I yearn for the ups, the downs, the fights, the make ups, the passion, the support, the laughing, the crying, the cuddling, the talking, the experimenting, and the loving that can all be summed up in my greatest desire: devotion.
But where is the balance? Who am I to ask a woman to teach me? How can I learn but from experience? But who wants that? I don’t think any woman wants a man that is too emotional or needy or pathetically dependant on love. Maybe in some ways it’s becoming but I refuse to believe it entirely.
When God said that it was not good for man to be alone I think I can understand why. Where is motivation? Where is ambition? Where is achievement when all we would truly think about would be ourselves?
I think a truth that I harbor is that I’m afraid to search for that woman that would be the ying to my yang because I don’t feel complete by myself quite yet. I’m not who I want to be just yet. But would finding her help me figure that out? I honestly don’t know. This in itself can be a conundrum.
Hope. Very, very slight it is in my vision, but still it exists in the depths of my soul. Despite the darkness and secrets that lie there I believe that I can move on and redefine myself. But would the woman I look for forgive my past?
I am imperfect, but I strive for something greater. An ideal.
Even though I am not alone in this ideal I can’t help feeling that I am. Is it wrong to long for companionship? For the love and support of another who would be closer than anybody else in the world? I do not wish to offend but there are few that I tell everything to and sometimes not even my own family knows of my thoughts, my struggles, my desires, my dreams, or my wishes. I don’t think I’ve found somebody that I can do that with yet.
Heal. It seems almost unachievable at this point, but can be synonymous with hope. In the meanwhile I feel like I must let suitors pass me by, those wonderful, beautiful, talented, smart ones that I pine for. I wish she knew and I wish I wasn’t afraid and I wish I knew how to win her, but the timing is all wrong. By the time that I heal she may be gone. But am I just curious because I sometimes feel she is out of my reach?
I have felt this way before, but no one was willing to define love with me, no one truly wanted my devotion. Yet I am still young…. I will dream another night and see if I can find her face in the crowd: the true one.
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